Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
