after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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