im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
