I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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