you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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