pedialite and red bull = repair kit
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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