when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
