i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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