you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
