Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
