i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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