You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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