you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
