i just had sex bonerless
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
