you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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