3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
