We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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