What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
