I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
