just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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