My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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