my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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