Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When are your genitals available?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
