I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
