I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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