Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
