i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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