I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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