i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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