She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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