I didn't shave. On purpose
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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