Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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