god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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