He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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