fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Holy sore nipples Batman
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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