I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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