He is like the real live version of the state fair..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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