I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
