She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
