I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
