i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
