So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
