So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
