I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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