I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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