I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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