i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's always time for handjobs
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
