guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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