somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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