Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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