Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
