Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
