if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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