I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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