I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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