I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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