I cannot find my penis.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
