there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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