How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This is the high leading the old right now
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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