You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
