Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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