Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Of course I have a pirate flag
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
