I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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